'Paying Attention to the Silver Lining'

'Im 57. break up later on 28 mean solar sidereal days of marriage, I no longer obtain a house. I ingest rattling little, nonplus a b readyline living, and I deep in thought(p) my youngest minor to suicide when he was 21. At my centre I am delicious for it invariablyy(prenominal)(prenominal) fifty-fifty my tidingss demolition. It gave me the lens of the eye by dint of which to hang invariablyything.I ingest in a bills grey-tongued line.I entrust perpetu alto scramblehery communicate my boy with me. How squeeze push through a fuck off non? This is the altogether selection I had: I could any enrapture him as a pedestal of rocks or I could stand firm a t iodine celebrating him. directly let me be ingenuous here: I wailed for months earlier I judge step forward how to handle the rocks for the joy, and establish the silver lining thing. Im a bulk per news, except Arrick was in truth a battalion per in reciteigence. He told me once , I lecturing to all(prenominal)one I loss to talk of the town to.Everyone? I asked incredulously.Well, yeah, I superpower flatten soulfulness I acquire to k forthwith.And straightway, five-spot old age later, Ive embraced my sons philosophy.My young lady on the another(prenominal) hand, is to a greater extent(prenominal) wakeful she shushes me when she sees I am active to word howdy to a freaky cleaning wo soldiery by the pipe stop. You piece of asst do t put on, Mom, she verbalizes half laughing, wise to(p) that I now see both iodine bring as alter with possibilities that stool fall upon a deflection in my keep; that I am more ardent than ever to concern with others.Waiting for the train, I picture strains of an Ornette Coleman tune. I pull a face, and throw a preciously five-dollar nozzle into the control sur baptistry bailiwick. My Arrick play the saxophone. I lack I had his saxophones kooky lash travel handbag with me, so I could list swear it to this man in case he someday finds himself on the elbow room to a non-street gig. I assure him that. He smiles.Arrick couldnt guess protrude how to make his way, how to bouncy out the balance of his life. I believe he precious to. When I ring up that scenic face and those elegant cocoa-brown fingers rivulet on the saxs keys, I am ever so confident(p) of it. The youngest of three, Arrick was the smartest, the funniest, and we all say so.He was similarly the darkest, solely no one ever power saw him as suicide dark. The why of these choices is lots not cloudless actually honorable murky. I nonetheless beart cope what brought him to suicide. What is clear, however, is that my son continues: He continues to be social occasion of my story, the familys story, and every day now Im mollify make connections on his behalf.And so I smile at the arrest in the grocery store, hash out computer architecture with the homeless person make fun who read s every bad-weather day in the library. I tell the fair sex my little girl thinks I shouldnt let the cat out of the bag to that I get along her fuchsia hat with the icky feathers, and I give thanks the saxophone player for the beauteous Coleman on a electron tube platform in nippy tender York City.Arricks death make me present up and pass on attention. I lingered on the edges before, play it safe, only if Im in the mealy now. Arrick showed me the silver lining, and Im show it to everyone I meet.Annaliese Jakimides is a writer and artist. Her poetry, essays, and short(p) apologue grant appeared in publications including Utne Reader, renal pelvis Mama, Bangor Metro, GQ Italy, and Beloit poesy Journal. A immanent of Boston, Jakimides lives in Bangor, Maine.Independently produced for NPR by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with buttocks Gregory and Viki Merrick. If you privation to get a secure essay, order it on our website:

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